RULES ||J.M||

Plot: There are certain rules that come with traveling alongside Joel Miller

Warnings: Angst, pining, not fully edited

Hiiiiii, felt the urge to write for Joel and ended up having written so much?? I feel like it gets a little messy but I just want to get it posted because i’m working on smut that comes with it 🧍🏼‍♀️ comments & constructive criticism is always welcome and I thank every one of you who reads this and interacts ❤️❤️ Enjoy!!

7.6k

————————————————

Soon after Ellie had invited you to follow her and Joel on their journey, you learned that there were specific rules that went along with traveling with Joel. Ellie was just happy to have more company, especially someone who would indulge her shitty puns and happily answered her questions even if the answers were mostly bullshit. Joel on the other hand had a hardened exterior, you saw glimpses here and there of a softie inside but you knew that you’d have to get extra deep for more than a glimpse and he wasn’t anywhere near ready to open up to you, or anyone else for that matter. As soon as you had met him you knew just by his demeanor that he commanded every space he occupied. He meant business, and not many people were stupid enough to fuck around near him long enough to find out what happens when you did.

His presence made it a lot easier to follow the unspoken rules, one glance from him meant you wouldn’t step out of line again and he knew it. You’d like to say he appreciated it, that you wouldn’t fight back on what he said when that’s all Ellie enjoyed doing, but there was no telling when his face stayed stoic at all times. Rule number 1. Contrary to what teachers had told you your whole growing up, there were indeed stupid questions, and with Joel that was 99.9% of them. If you had a question, you kept it to yourself or hoped that it was something Ellie had already asked and knew the answer to. There were a few situations where you felt like you would explode if you didn’t ask a question but you always prepared yourself for his annoyed huff and little comment that went along with it.

    You were all in Bill’s truck, driving down a random highway on the way to Jackson when you noted something along the side of the road and you couldn’t keep the question from bubbling up. “Did you ever go to one of those, Joel? One of those massive superstores they were starting to build before everything happened?” You ask, eyes full of curiosity. Joel glances over at you, raising an eyebrow. He glances at the rear view mirror to the backseat where Ellie was fast asleep amongst all the bags and clears his throat. You realized your mistake then and there, prepping yourself before he spoke up. “Worked on some of ‘em, actually.” He says with a look on his face that you weren’t quite able to read. “I remember taking Sa-um, yeah I went to a few with my brother. Lots of people, lots of shit nobody needed.” He says and you nod, hanging onto every word he says like it would be the last time you heard him speak. “I went to one, like once. Feels like they were probably just a hotspot of activity as soon as people became infected and then once the looting started.” You say, watching Joel nod. “Yup.” And that was it, no need to push anything further, you were just excited to have asked him something that he had responded to well.

    Rule number 2. If Joel told you to do something, you did it. Without question. This one was the easiest to follow, especially for you. You had a natural sense of submission and the air of confidence Joel walked around with made you actively want to listen to what he told you. After just a few weeks with the group you were already following his nonverbal cues. His eyes would darken and he would move his head a specific way and you were grabbing Ellie’s hand and pulling her to a place where the two of you would hide. Ellie would stare at you incredulously considering her natural instinct was to fight whatever Joel told her to do. With a knowing look from Ellie, you’d shush her and look around the corner to make sure Joel was safe.

The three of you knew he didn’t want anyone to take care of him, but just like your urge to take care of Ellie, it umbrella’d over to Joel as well. You remember the first time Joel accepted your help vividly, considering the fact that when he had accepted both you and Ellie had froze in place and stared at each other in confusion. He huffed and muttered something under his breath about not needing any help or something along those lines before relenting. You shook out of your daze to grab Joel’s arm, pulling him into the bathroom of the abandoned gas station you had all stopped at to fill up. You tried to help him up on the counter but relented to just having him lean against it. Standing nearly between his legs, you start to use some of the clean water you had in your canteen to wipe off the wound covering his forearm. You had never noticed the way his veins stuck out prominently on his arm in such a beautiful way before, the almost permanent layer of dirt across his skin accentuating them.

“Joel watch out!” You had shouted, seeing the broken shelf just a little too late to warn Joel in time, seeing it slam down on his arm. A mix of clattering and Joel cursing up a storm was heard for miles you were fairly sure. Ellie helped moved the shelves and that’s when you saw the large gash on his arm. “Joel, we have to clean that or it will get infected.” You say, care and worry evident in your voice as you waited for the worst. “Yea, okay.” He had said, shocking the two girls beyond measure.

    Ellie walked through the doorframe with the whiskey and rags that you had asked her to bring and you thank her quietly, watching Joel’s eyes widen as you poured some of the priceless liquor onto one of the towels, about to protest when you placed a hand on his bicep. “We’ll find some more. I’m sure Bill & Frank have extra. It’s the only thing I can think of that may help if there’s any infection..” You trail off, dabbing at the wound. “Smart.” He muttered, teeth clenched due to the slight burn of the alcohol on his open skin. You look through your makeshift first aid kit, something that you had been working on since the beginning of the pandemic which meant you had quite a large selection of bandages to use. Both Ellie and Joel knew you were very selective about how much you used, wanting to keep as much as you could for large emergencies that were sure to come up.

    That wasn’t the case for this, you used multiple bandages, wrapping almost an entire roll of gauze around his arm before taping it off. You were about to pull away and pack up when you felt his rough hands find their way to your waist, his gaze finding yours. The look in his eyes was something different than you’d ever seen and it took the air right out of your lungs. For what seemed like the first time in ages you were completely speechless, far too aware of how quick your heart was beating against your chest. So sure that even Ellie out in the truck could hear it so it must have seemed extra loud to Joel whose chest was brushing against your own. “Thanks Darlin’.” He says, his voice still gruff yet much more breathy than it ever had been. His dark eyes glanced between your own light ones and your parted pink lips. Was he about to kiss you? There was no way, but why else would he be looking at you this way? “N-no problem.” You whisper back, a flush coming from your chest up to your cheeks. God you wish you had a cooler response to this but your mind was taken over by Joel, Joel, JOEL.

    As quickly as it had started it was over, Joel was pushing past you and out of the bathroom leaving you to just stand there more confused than you had been. “What the fuck?” You whisper to yourself, taking a few minutes to try to come up with any reason that what just transpired had happened, to rationalize it. With no reason coming to mind you found your way out of the building with your first aid kit and some newfound feelings towards Joel stirring in your chest. He was already in the truck, watching and waiting for you to come out. You notice that Ellie is in the front seat and for the first time since you began traveling with the pair you were not even interested in fighting for the front seat, climbing silently into the backseat and avoiding Joel’s eyes in the rearview mirror.

——————————————-

    It had been weeks since your moment with Joel in the bathroom and luckily things had gone back to normal fairly quickly. That was one of the many plus sides of having Ellie there, that girl’s knack for breaking any ice that she wasn’t even aware was there was one of her many talents. It was a particularly harsh winter and somehow you and Ellie, along with Tommy had convinced Joel to settle down in Jackson for at least a couple weeks. You were given a nice home there considering Joel’s status of being Tommy’s brother, three bedrooms which was three more than any of you were used to, a happy change. You knew even if it had been one bedroom that both you and Joel were on the same page about letting Ellie have it. The look on her face when she found out she got her own room was the happiest you’d seen her and there was no question between you and Joel. Joel had made sure Ellie had the room furthest from the front door, yours next and then his being the closest. You didn’t care to fight with him on this, noting the same worry in his eyes that you always felt for the two.

That’s what brought you to this moment, hearing Ellie’s window slide open in the middle of the night. Your first reaction was terror, grabbing your gun from your night table and running to her room. The fear quickly dissipating to anger when you see her attempting to climb out. “Joel catches you, you’re dead.” You spoke up, causing the girl to jump and stare at you in shock. “Shit..” She muttered under her breath, climbing back in quietly. “Listen, please /please/ don’t tell him. I was just going to meet some friends who invited me over….” She admits and you sigh, walking over towards her. “Why didn’t you just tell me? Much easier for us to convince Joel as a team instead of him waking up to you being gone.” You say with a raised eyebrow and she relents. “I know, I just…thought you might say no.”

“I’m not Joel, Ellie. But I do agree with him on a lot, so you’re taking your knife and a walkie talkie and if you are not back by 4 am you are grounded for like, a million months.” You say, going to grab some things for her to take with her. You know Joel wouldn’t approve but you also knew that this was Ellie being a normal teenager and you wanted her to have as much normalcy as she was able to get. You make sure the batteries are full in the walkie and watch her leave before stepping out of her room. You were planning on just heading downstairs to read until she came back but you came face to chest with Joel as you stepped into the hallway.

“What were you doing?” He asks suspiciously, going to grab the handle behind you. You grab his forearm, trying to quickly come up with an excuse or someway to avoid the conversation that was about to happen. It was short lived though, the look in his eyes telling you not to even attempt to bullshit him. “Let’s go downstairs, and i’ll tell you?” You ask, taking his large hand in yours and attempting to pull him towards the kitchen. He huffed, eyeing Ellie’s door before giving in and following you down. You put on some water to boil, knowing that after you told him what was happening he wouldn’t want to go back to sleep. You’re not sure why you expected him to relax, to just sit down and wait patiently for you to explain what was happening. No, he was leaning against the corner right behind you, his arms folded tightly with an intense look on his face as he raised his eyebrows to urge you to speak.

“Okay..” You sigh. “You can’t get mad…ok you can’t get too mad. and you can’t leave, you need to hear me out.” He nods slowly, glancing towards the door. “Okay…I caught Ellie trying to sneak out.” You say quietly, immediately noticing him tense up and stand straight like he was about to run out of the door. You quickly step forward and let your hands land on his arms again, giving them a quick squeeze. “I heard her window and ran in there immediately. Before you say anything I didn’t have time to wake you up…anyways. She just wanted to go hang out with some friends and that’s just…she’s being a normal teenager! That’s what we both want right? Growing up in this world fucking sucks so I thought that any sense of normalcy she can find or we can provide..it wouldn’t be too bad.” You say softly, watching each word you said sink in deeper behind his eyes. “I sent her with walkie talkies, her knife, and I told her to be back home by 4 or she’s grounded for basically ever.” You says, a small smile on your face. “Are you never going to talk to me again?”

It was a long pause, and the wheels in Joel’s head were working overtime around the situation as you convinced yourself he actually may never talk to you again. “I’m glad you made sure she was safe.” Is all he said, setting his hand on your waist lightly before moving to prep his mug for coffee. The touch immediately brought you back to those few months ago in the bathroom and you felt like the wind was knocked out of you once again. “Um…yeah, yeah of course. Her well being is my main priority. Along with yours, of course.” You said, noting the sideways glance he gave you when you had said it. You fixed your instant coffee and immediately walked to the front room to sit by the fire and read. Part of you hoped he’d stay away from you, just so your mind could try to work out why the hell this kept happening to you and what you could possibly do to stop it. That hope was short lived when he walked into the living room, settling down on the couch next to you and kicking his feet up on the coffee table.

    A comfortable silence surrounded the two of you, it felt almost…normal. Like you and Joel were parents waiting for their daughter to get home from her first date or something. You knew bits and pieces of Joel’s past, that he had a daughter before everything happened but that was the extent. Had he done this before? Waited up all night for her to get home or was this a first for him as well? You had only just graduated high school when the pandemic started and you had given up on any hope you had to have your own family when you lost every single person in yours. Joel and Ellie were the closest you got, so along with this being a first for Ellie, it was a first for you. The nerves and excitement didn’t stop your eyelids from getting heavy though, nodding off every few minutes while watching the clock and hoping 4 am would get there quicker. “You can go to sleep, I’ll stay up and wait for her.” Joel speaks, causing you to jump ever so slightly. You went to fight, words dying in your throat when you saw the look on his face, he was completely serious. You just nod, grabbing a pillow and blanket from the corner of the room. He debated heading up to your room but ultimately ended up laying out on the couch next to Joel, feet tucked up against the side of his thigh closely.

    The next thing you knew you heard the front door click open and Joel’s hand reaches to grab your leg protectively. You glanced at his hand before looking up to see an extra smiley Ellie stepping into the living room. “You’re late.” Joel muttered though it would be clear to absolutely anyone else that he was enjoying seeing his girl so happy. You glance at the clock and chuckle a little bit, sitting up and placing a hand on his bicep. “By 5 minutes, Joel. She’s okay..” You smile and look up at the girl who just laughs, calling the two of you dorks for having stayed up for her but saying a sweet goodnight before going upstairs to her room. After a moment you wrapped a blanket around your shoulders and stood up, reaching a hand out to Joel. “We made it. Our little girl is all grown up.” You tease, pretending to wipe fake tears off your cheeks with your free hand. It wasn’t fully a joke, but it was the only way you knew how to approach the situation. Joel gives you a small chuckle, just shaking his head at you before standing up and following you up the stairs. You each make it to your own rooms and say goodnight, though as you shut your door you find yourself hoping that Joel would have invited you in to his room with him.

    Okay, no. We’re not even going to entertain any thoughts like that. For all intents and purposes Joel was basically your business partner, nothing more. There was no reason to want more, him having given you no hints that he would be interested in more either. You heard his snores in the other room and your thoughts were brought back to every moment his hands had touched you, even in the most platonic way, helping you through a small opening or pushing past you in a small room. Your skin suddenly burned, your core aching for any sort of friction to satiate this newfound urge. You cuddled under almost every blanket on the bed and pushed the thoughts deep down, far away from where they were right now before you force yourself to go to sleep.

—————————————

You were doing well keeping the thoughts deep deep down, getting better and better at it as time went by. If anyone noticed the longing stares you occasionally sent towards Joel they didn’t say anything and for that you were grateful. That’s why you were surprised when Maria pulled you to the side one day, asking how long you and Joel had been “dating” or whatever the equivalent of dating was in the end of the world. The look on your face was one of pure confusion and she quickly realized her mistake. “Oh, I’m so sorry. The way he looks at you…I guess I misunderstood the situation.” She says and you took a moment before shaking your head quickly. “Oh, I’m…no don’t apologize. There’s nothing going on between Joel and I, but I appreciate you even caring enough to pull me to the side.” You smiled, removing yourself from the situation as quickly as you could.

    What did she mean the way Joel looked at you? Nothing seemed different, you would feel his eyes on you but his face would be empty, stoic. No evidence of any sort of feelings. Maria’s question had been a catalyst though, and if you found yourself in a room with Joel alone your thoughts were completely overwhelmed by him. The strong scent of dust, leather, and musk taking over your senses and the urge to be close to him taking over. You found yourself leaning into his side when you were standing side by side, if it was your turn to do laundry you took extra time to wash his flannels, it was like a magnetic pull from your very core to anything that had to do with Joel. It became a lot more obvious to everyone around you as well. Ellie teased you constantly about your “crush” on Joel, wiggling her eyebrows when Joel turned away and she caught you staring. You knew the day was coming that either Joel would catch you staring or overhear Ellie teasing you but you couldn’t help it at this point.

    It was movie night and normally Joel wouldn’t show but Ellie had begged him to come because 'the movie is basically about your life,’ meaning it was about a grumpy cowboy and Ellie thought it’d be funny to see Joel’s reaction when he realized. You weren’t planning on going, especially because Joel was going and you felt like you needed a moment to breathe without him in your space. All that flew out the window when he entered your room the afternoon before. His hair was combed back and still wet from his shower and he had a fresh flannel on with his normal jeans and boots. You noticed that his mouth was moving but for a solid minute you were so focused on the facial hair along his jaw you were not paying attention to his words in the slightest. “Are you listening? You coming tonight or not?” He asks, patience running a little thin. “Huh? Oh yeah I’ll be there. Sorry, got a little distracted.” You smile, watching him just stare at you oddly before nodding and walking out of the room. Fuck. Me.

——————————————

It’s official, you were going absolutely crazy. There was no other reason to explain the way you were acting. You walk over to Maria and Tommy’s, asking Maria if you could borrow a dress for movie night. She gave you a knowing smile and let you pick one out of her closet. You thanked her over and over before heading back home to start getting ready. You told Joel & Ellie to head to the movie without you and you’d just meet up with them a little bit later. Your heart had skipped a beat when Joel double checked that you were okay to head over yourself but you assured him quickly and then locked yourself in the bathroom. Joel would have scolded you if he knew how much hot water you used for your shower but that’s why you made him go ahead of you. You tried on the dress, staring at yourself in the mirror in shock. You hadn’t had the opportunity to dress up this way since you were 18, almost 10 years ago and you had completely forgotten how it felt. The silhouette of the dress was absolutely beautiful and you racked your brain thinking of something to trade with Maria just to be able to wear this dress more than once. You dug through the drawers and cabinets in the bathroom, finding some beyond expired makeup to use. You put a little blush on your cheeks and used an old lipstick you had found and cleaned off. That’s as far as you were comfortable with going with old makeup but you thought you looked pretty.

    You pull on your winter coat and boots, chuckling at the look of your beautiful dress drowned out by a whole bunch of brown. You lock up the house and trudged through the snow on the way to the “theater”. Walking in, you spot Ellie with her friend’s and you give her a wave, noticing her do a double take at you and raise an eyebrow. You look away quickly and search for Joel, spotting him in the back on a bench looking miserable. You walk towards him, catching his eye and you don’t miss the way his mouth falls open and his eyes widen slightly. You give him a small smile, taking a deep breath before shrugging off your coat to reveal your dress.

    You were fairly sure you could hear Ellie from across the auditorium say 'holy shit’ and that made you laugh a little bit. You glance back over at Joel and he was practically gawking at you now. You had never seen him look the way he did, especially at you, and the butterflies fluttering in your stomach were doing fucking gymnastics. You lay your coat on the bench and sit down next to him. Normally you wouldn’t wait for him to speak but at the moment you were a big bundle of nerves and knew you’d for sure stumble on your words. Unbeknownst to you, Joel was dealing with the same feeling. He was never a man of many words but the moment he saw the makeup that lightly dusted your face his mind was simultaneously running a million miles a minute while also completely blank.

    “You-uh.” He muttered, clearing his throat. “Where’d ya find that dress?” He asks, mentally face palming. You bit down on your lip and played with the hem of it, unsure of how he really felt about it. “Oh, I looked through Maria’s closet…I don’t know why I just felt like getting a little dressed up.” You explain quietly, glancing up at him through your lashes. He nods, clearing his throat “Well, you look nice.” He says, avoiding eye contact and he seemed to become over interested in the movie. You smile a little bit, thanking him in a small voice before turning to focus on the screen. You catch Maria’s eyes and she gives you two thumbs up, wiggling her eyebrows in a similar fashion to the way Ellie did. You blush a little and give her a small smile in response.

    From the side of your vision you could see that Joel’s head kept glancing over towards you every few moments. Every time he did, your cheeks flushed and you became even more self aware of how you looked in the dress. You were more than sure that if you had gone out in this dress before everything happened that you would 100% be hit on, not even in a full of yourself way, just simply the cut of the dress. Your chest was accentuated nicely and it fit your waist like you had specifically bought it in your size. In a wave of feeling overwhelmed you lay your head on Joel’s shoulder, feeling him tense against your touch but soon after relax. You might have been imagining it but you almost felt him lean into your touch, his head laying against your own for just a moment. That was until Tommy walks over, causing Joel to stiffen up his back and away from you.

    You felt your cheeks heat up, this time with embarrassment though at the move that felt like pure rejection. You pull your coat from underneath you and wrap it around yourself as he approaches the both of you. Tommy gives you a small smile, glancing between you and Joel. “Maria told me you were looking for a dress, you look real nice.” He says kindly and you blush a little. “Oh, thank you so much, Tommy. Yeah, I was so excited that Maria had any! I have to find something to trade so I can keep this one.” You joke and Joel clears his throat “We need to keep everything we have.” He mumbles and you’re sure you physically deflate. “Oh…yeah. No, I was just only joking..” You say, clearing your throat awkwardly.

    Tommy watches the situation, raising an eyebrow before calling Maria over with his hand. He leans into her ear and whispers something before Maria speaks up. “Oh! Sweetie, the dress is all yours. No need to trade or anything. If you feel pretty, it’s all worth it. I told Tommy when you walked in that I am pretty sure it was made exactly for you.” She smiles and you are overwhelmed with the kindness both her and Tommy were showing you. You stood up and pulled her into a big hug, leaning over and giving Tommy a small hug as well. “Thank you guys, really. We’re all so grateful that you’re even letting us stay here, it’s been truly lovely.” Tommy shakes his head quickly, his arm finding itself around Maria’s waist where you quickly imagined feeling Joel’s arm on your own waist. “The three of you are family, you will always have a place to stay.”

—————————————————

    “Obviously you won’t see me in a dress like…ever but you make me want to play dress up.” Ellie jokes, leading the group of you into the house before grabbing your hand and spinning you around while the two of you laugh loudly. You catch a glimpse of Joel watching you two with the softest look you had ever seen on his face. Your heart swelled and you reached your hand out to pull him in to spin with you and Ellie. He does for a moment until you accidentally tripped on the rug and fell into his chest, his hands holding you up by your waist. “I think that’s my cue to leave.” Ellie says, her footsteps fading upstairs and to her room. The situation you were in had your heart racing and you could feel Joel’s own thumping to the same rhythm.

    You stare up at him, letting yourself gain hope that this was finally the time something would happen between the two of you. For a moment it seemed like he was leaning in but something switched in his eyes and you felt his hands fall from your waist. “You can find a place to keep that dress, it won’t fit with our stuff when we leave.” He said, pulling away before walking into the kitchen. You were shocked, feeling your eyes tear up as you felt the heartache take over once again. Before you had realized your feelings for Joel it was confusing when he did this but now it hurt. You sniffle, taking a deep breath before going to the doorway of the kitchen. “How many times are we going to do this?”

    “Do what?” He grumbles, already nursing a glass of whiskey that Tommy had gifted the two of you. You furrowed your eyebrows while shaking your head “This! You give me signals that something may happen but then as soon as we’re close to something you pull away. Do you want me Joel? Or not.” Your whole body froze, tense as you awaited his answer. You felt like this could change everything, regardless of his answer. “No.” Was all he said, and the heartache grew tenfold as you let his answer sink in. You nod, avoiding his gaze “Okay, have a good night.” You whisper, going up to your room and locking the door behind you.

    You fall down the door, tears spilling down your cheeks as you wrapped your arms around your legs and let all the emotions out. Of the few moments he had shown you that he might be interested there were so many more that had shown you he didn’t but you still got your hopes up that maybe, just maybe he shared the same feelings you did. You hear a knock on your door, much too gentle to be Joel so you stood up to open it, being greeted with Ellie who walked in and locked the door behind her. “So…I heard what happened. I am just shocked because I really thought that there was something there? Are you okay?” She asks and you sit down on the bed, wiping your tears away with a nod. “I’ll be okay, a little tears can be good for the soul. I don’t want you to worry about any of this, I’ll be fine. You worry about your friends, girls, things that teenagers are supposed to worry about.”

    “Hey, I know what its like to be heartbroken and…you’re like a…well a mom to me honestly.” She admits quietly, fiddling with her fingers. “I don’t want you to be upset.” She sighs and you stand up, pulling her into a big hug. “Your heart is too big, I swear.” You smile, processing the confession she had just made to you. It helped put everything in perspective, yeah you were surviving but this had always been about Ellie and her future, simple as that. “I love you, and Joel like family and this is just a little hiccup. Things will go on like normal, I shouldn’t have even let myself have a silly little crush anyways.” You smile sadly, walking her to her room. “How about you and I go see the horses tomorrow? We can go visit Shimmer.” You offer, and she nods excitedly. “Yes, please! Let’s go.” She says and you say your good nights, shutting her door before turning around to go back to your room. You see Joel at the top of the stairs and know that it was fully apparent that you had been crying. “Goodnight, Joel.”

————————————

     It felt trivial, crying yourself to sleep over a man while just outside the walls of the commune you were staying in life had almost completely ceased to exist. You felt selfish, like you had been able to endure and survive for the last 12 years yet here you were feeling like your prom date had stood you up and when you found him at the dance he was in the arms of someone else. You didn’t think Joel would be interested in anyone else either so that was a small comfort that you wouldn’t just see him with some random woman from the commune. At least you hoped that you wouldn’t.

    You got a few hours of sleep but you were up at 5 am, unable to rest any longer. You hung up the dress, hiding it in the back of the closet so it would be harder to see it and be reminded of what happened. You didn’t have any group chores today but you needed something to do to keep yourself busy. You deep cleaned your bathroom and bedroom, going downstairs afterwards to do the same to the kitchen and living room. After about an hour you heard a door click from upstairs and hear heavy footsteps coming down the stairs. You took a deep breath, preparing yourself to put on a happy face and fake it till you make it. You look up when he steps into the kitchen and bit down on your lip. Of course he was freshly showered and looked extremely handsome. Fucker, he was too handsome.

    “Good morning! I got some more instant coffee from Maria this morning and the water should still be hot on the stove.” You said, going back to sweeping the floor. The memories of last night were hanging in the air, like a thick cloud of smoke threatening to fill the room at any moment. “Thank you.” He says, trying his hardest to keep his voice soft. “Ellie and I are going to the stables today, I figured we should go check up on Shimmer and we could use some bonding time today.” You say quietly, smiling at the memory of what Ellie had told you the previous night. You wanted so badly to tell Joel but things still felt weird and you didn’t want any reason for things to get worse.

    “Good idea, Tommy and I are going on a run.” He comments and your head snaps up quickly. You hadn’t been aware that they were planning a run and your stomach filled with dread. You opened your mouth to tell him that you could join them but you stopped yourself, know that wouldn’t be the smartest idea. “Oh..how long will you be gone?” You kept your voice steady, proud of yourself for how normal you sounded. “Couple days. Shouldn’t take too long, heading up North for a lead on some weapons and medicine.” He explains and you nod slowly. “Well, um. Make sure you say goodbye to Ellie before you go, and you guys be safe. We need you coming back in one piece.” You sigh, glancing up at him. There was another soft look on his face, but it felt almost pitiful and you couldn’t stand the idea that he pitied you. He was about to speak when Ellie walked into the kitchen. “Woahhhh, what happened in here? Talk about tension!” She laughs, play punching Joel’s arm. You smile a bit, not wanting to seem off for her sake. “Good luck, Joel. Ellie, I’m going to get ready to go.” You said, leaning the broom against the wall and leaving the kitchen for Joel to say his quick goodbyes.

———————————

    It was day 5 of Joel and Tommy being gone, already too long in your opinion and you were anxious every moment that they weren’t walking through those gates safe and sound. Both Maria and Ellie tried to calm you down, explaining that the men had been on runs that were much longer than this but this just felt different. You knew every one of the people on the run were more than capable of keeping themselves alive and safe but Joel was out there. Your Joel. You spend your days helping out at the shops near the gate so you’d be the first one to see when they came back, and your nights were full of a few too many drinks in the kitchen so you’d actually be able to sleep. The pitied look in Ellie’s face when she had come into your bedroom and saw you curled up in one of Joel’s flannels that he had left was embarrassing but the only thing you could do was shrug, hiding your face.    

    For the first time in years you felt absolutely helpless. You had done just fine keeping yourself safe and sane before you met Joel but now it felt like he was just a part of you, the same way Ellie was. Ellie had come into the room at about 6 am on the next day, shaking your shoulder to tell you that Joel and Tommy had just arrived home. You jumped up, staying in your pajamas and Joel’s flannel before pulling on some boots and immediately leaving the house to go see them. You didn’t even question why Ellie had been up so early, focused on seeing Joel safe with your own eyes. The moment you saw him you yelled his name, his eyes had been searching and when they landed on you he visibly relaxed.

    Despite the anxiety and the way things had been left 6 days prior you followed the urge to run towards him, wrapping your hands around his neck and pulling him close to you as if he’d disappear if you let go. “Don’t leave for so long again.” You whispered and you felt his arms snake around your waist, his breath fanning over your neck and you could feel him nod. After a long moment, you pulled away with your cheeks tinted pink as you looked around at many of the people you knew just watching the two of you. You clear your throat and take a solid look at Joel now, eyes widening when you saw quite a large blood stain on the side of his shirt. You were right by his side again, lifting up his shirt despite him trying to tell you over and over that he was fine and it had just been a cut. It was a solid gash on his side and you just pull him to follow you to the house.

    Once inside, you help him lay on the couch and kneel on the side after grabbing your first aid kit. You were reminded of the first time you had done this, reminiscing the good bits before things went weird. “You’re wearing my shirt.” Joel comments and you blush, glancing down at the flannel and then back to Joel. “Oh, I just..I had just grabbed something. I’m sorry.” You say, and he shakes his head. “It looks better on you than me, don’t apologize.” He says and you just nod slowly, focusing back on disinfecting his wound. Things were quiet for a while after that, besides some small winces and groans from Joel as you worked on his side. “You really scared me, being gone for so long.” You said quietly, almost more so to yourself than you did to him. You felt his hand wrap around your forearm gently and your eyes found his. “I can’t do this without you.”

    You watched as his hand moved from your arm and up to push some hair out of your face. You let your eyelids flutter close and you exhale softly, skin burning everywhere that he touched. You feel his thumb brush across your bottom lip and your heart races as you wait to see what would happen next. “I missed you out there, almost cut the trip short a few times just to come back to my girls.” He says and your heart ached. This was what you had been hoping for for so long, his hands on you and his words so soft and sweet your brain felt foggy. You watch him sit up as best as he could, leaning forward and the moment his lips brush against yours the front the door slams open and you both jump away from each other. Ellie had helped put the horses away and in true child fashion, she had come in at the worst possible time. You let out the breath that you had been holding and quickly finished bandaging Joel’s wound before you stood up and let Ellie come over. “Dude am I happy to see you, This one over here barely left her bed unless she absolutely had to.” She teases, even though it was far from just a joke. You felt guilty for leaving Ellie to fend for herself the past few days, even if you know she would happily tell you that she could do more things on her own. You roll your eyes playfully and shake your head “You keep telling Joel all about my few days in bed, I’m going to go make us breakfast.”

    You felt Joel’s eyes on you as you walked into the kitchen, stepping out of the way of the doorway before leaning against the wall. You couldn’t believe what had just happened? You weren’t sure what changed while he was gone but the way your skin still burned from where he had touched you and the fact that you could still feel his breath against your lips, you couldn’t believe the way it was finally so close yet still so far. You compose yourself the best you can, going to get out some of the bacon and eggs Maria had gifted you three a few days prior and decided to wing a recipe for some sort of quiche thing. When you were used to 12 year old canned food, this was going to be nice and refreshing compared to what you were all used to.

    You made Joel some coffee, setting up the table for the three of you before heading back into the living room to admire Ellie and Joe curled up and joking back and forth. You smiled to yourself as you watch them, seeing Joel’s eyes wander to you. He attempts sitting up and you walk over, both you and Ellie helping him up. “Come on, old man. Let’s get you up.” Ellie teases and Joel muttered something back to her before getting up. “Breakfast will be ready in 10, Ellie go clean up before we eat.” You say and she goes to fight before Joel shoots her a look that has her marching up the stairs to her room. You help Joel the rest of the way to the dining table and letting him sit down, putting down his coffee in front of him.

    “I didn’t get to tell you before you left, but the other night Ellie told me she sees me as her mom..” You smile, eyes watering slightly at the memory. “I swear I nearly cried when she said it, I thought about it all night.” You say, leaving out the fact that you were mostly up because of Joel, but that wasn’t important now. You sit on the chair across from him while you wait for the food to bake. Joel had a small smile on his face, sipping his coffee as he watched you. “You’re a great mother to her. We’re both very lucky to have you with us.” You were speechless, your heart so full in that moment. Joel had never expressed anything near this and you were sure you’d be replaying this moment over and over forever. You lean over and plant a kiss on his cheek, smiling wider at the way his eyes crinkled at the corners. You hear Ellie jog downstairs, randomly stopping by you to give both you and Joel a hug before sitting in the chair next to him. “What was that for?”

“You guys just mean a lot to me.”

Thank you to everyone who got me to 2500 likes! this is cute !!! q